The highlights

My birthday came and went without much time for me to sit and ponder it. Thanks to everyone for the well wishes. The highlights of the day: (including sending a whiny Kindred to school for the afternoon) I got a bouquet of lovely flowers from my family, a yodeling e-card from a friend, a great comment on my my*space page from the oh-so-popular Johnny Showcase, and a birthday letter from Michael.

I also got this hilarious email from a friend. It had nothing to do with my birthday, but it was so delightful for me that I would like to share it with you all. I know it was probably circulated a few years back, and the origin it claims is false, but man it's funny.

~~~~~~~

Here is the Washingt*n P*st's M*nsa Invitational which asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
The winners are:

1. Cashtration: (n.) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus: (n.) A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxication: (n.) Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation: (n.) Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone: (n.) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy: (n.) Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti: (n.) Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm: (n.)The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte: (v.) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Hipatitis: (n.) Terminal coolness.

11. Osteopornosis: (n.) A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

12. Karmageddon: (n.) It's when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, and then the Earth explodes and it's a serious bummer.

13. Decafalon: (n.) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you

14. Glibido: (n.) All talk and no action.

15. Dopeler effect: (n.) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

16. Arachnoleptic fit: (n.) The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

17. Beelzebug: (n.) Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

18. Caterpallor: (n.) The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.


The W*shington P*st has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.
And the winners are:

1. coffee: (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.

2. flabbergasted: (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3. abdicate: (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. esplanade: (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. willy-nilly: (adj.) impotent.

6. negligent: (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. lymph: (v.) to walk with a lisp.

8. gargoyle: (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. flatulence: (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. balderdash: (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.

11. testicle: (n.) a humorous question on an exam.

12. rectitude: (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. pokemon: (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. oyster: (n.) a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism: (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. circumvent: (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.